May You Rise, Patty Duke

Actress and mental health advocate, Patty Duke dies at age 69 on March 29, 2016.

A true hero in the mental health community, we say goodbye to the talented academy award winning actress, Patty Duke. Diagnosed with bipolar disorder, she has openly discussed and written about her struggles with depression and mania. Patty Duke was one of the first celebrities I read about upon my diagnosis years ago. Please let’s all take a moment, also in lieu of World Bipolar Day (March 30th), & send some thoughts to her loved ones & cherish her memory.

Pills to Poetry: The Burden of Non-Compliance

The conversation between my wife and I when I don’t want to comply with medication or sleep. A bipolar dilemma. A caregiver’s burden.

~The Burden That No One Sees ~

“It’s late.” She’s barely awake, squinting.
“I’m not tired”, I tell her, and continue working.
“That’s the point”, she says under her breath.
“What’s the point?” I’m lost.
“With your condition…” she’s exhausted. I’m making it worse.
“Seriously I’m fine.” I insist.
“Take your meds.” She isn’t giving up.
“I’m not tired”, I say.
“You have a big day tomorrow.” She’s more patient than I deserve.
“I know. But I’m wide awake.” I continue working.
“That’s the problem.” Her face is pretty, even half asleep.
“What’s the problem?” I’m lost still.
“You’re getting manic.” Her tone is serious.
“Not manic. I’m just really busy. It’s a project…”
“It’s 2am”, she informs me.
“Okay. In thirty minutes I will.”
“No. Take them now.”
“Fuck. Okay. Fine.”
The bedroom door closes behind her as I pour a handful of perfect little pharmasanity shapes from the burnt orange, child-proof bottle. I choke them down with a large swig of beer. She hates when I do that but does not complain because at least I’m taking the goddamned medication.

After a week or so of these types of conversations, she usually ends up putting me on a bedtime schedule with a tight ritual involving complying with meds. Because I love my wife and trust her, I often go with it. Well, okay, I put up a fight half the time, which occasionally puts her in the position to give me ultimatums. This is love. This is bipolar disorder. This is a bipolar marriage. And I still fucking hate taking pills.

Touched With Fire: Bipolar Movie Review

My review of ‘Touched with Fire’, a film about bipolar disorder.

I saw it twice. Last weekend, and again today. I don’t get to see many new films and I hardly ever go to the movies. But I’ve been waiting for this to hit theaters. And hit it did. For me anyway. The first viewing of TWF ignited so many emotions in me. I admit my expectations weren’t high considering the media doesn’t paint mental illness too favorably. I guess my guard was up. I was rooting for this film so much before even seeing it. I was rooting for the bipolar audience.

Synopsis

Meet Marco, played by Luke Kirby, and Carla, played by Katie Holmes. Both of are incredibly talented writers. Both of them are diagnosed with bipolar disorder. From my educated opinion, research, and personal experience, I would say they have bipolar type 1. Bipolar disorder type 1 is characterized by extreme highs (mania) and extreme lows (depression), and can be accompanied by psychosis. Both Marco and Carla are patients in a psychiatric hospital when they meet and they form an intense bond. Together they ignite each other’s fire. They sneak around in the hospital, and eventually form a relationship on the outside, which is front and center to a whirlwind rollercoaster.

Writer/director, Paul Dalio based the characters off of himself, and the film from his own experiences with bipolar. He incorporates the strong influence of art, poetry, famous people with mental illness, and the bipolar queen, Dr. Kay Redfield Jamison. Dr. Jamison even has a cameo in the movie.

Critique

One reason I saw TWF a second time is to make sure I wasn’t going to review it based solely on my rush of emotions. But the truth is, Touched With Fire is actually very emotional. Dalio represents a very realistic insight into the bipolar life. Manic episodes are unruly, impulsive, unbelievably creative, and indescribably passionate. These episodes are just as defiant and destructive. We see this in both Carla and Marco. We also see them crash. Again, each action and thought from the characters ring into true suicidal depression. As someone who’s lived with type 1 for over 16 years, I could absolutely relate to where these characters were, in each moment. I can’t imagine that the rest of the audience didn’t feel this spilling from the screen as well.

Another area that Dalio dove into is the realities of medication non-compliance. Non-compliance is a serious symptom of the illness. (I still fight my wife about taking my meds.) The film gives Carla and Marco an opportunity to demonstrate their views on why they don’t like to be medicated. Once off of the meds, there is a gradual deconstruction of their mental states, showing what happens when someone with severe bipolar disorder is not accepting treatment. It also involves their parents, who all seem to be pretty supportive and caring, while showing how the manic and depressive episodes affect them.

Katie Holmes makes a return to the screen, playing Carla, and her performance really did give me goosebumps. Luke Kirby was born to play the part of Marco. Both actors portrayed the challenge of channeling the characters’ emotions, actions, impulses, thoughts, desires, and talents. They nailed it.

My only less than positive critique is that this film is not for everybody. I guess this isn’t really critiquing the film, but rather the audience. For people who know absolutely nothing about mental illness, or who are not here to learn about it, go see something else. I was biting my tongue each time the woman down my row would obnoxiously laugh at the psychosis Marco was experiencing or the manic love the characters had. She took no social cue that nobody else was laughing until about a third of the way through the film.

Last Words

The first time I watched Touched With Fire, I got choked up so many times. I felt Paul Dalio was pulling material from inside my head. The moon plays a heavy influence in the film, and I have a huge obsession with the moon. And I’m sure many, many bipolar folks are writers with moon obsessions, but in the moment, it spoke to me. The frustration of Holmes’ character as she tries to learn of her life prior to becoming sick, to Luke Kirby’s character philosophizing every single thing. My mania has dragged me to that point too many times. I was crying at many points during the film. I was scheming on which medications to stop taking. The second time I saw the film, it was much more cognitive. I studied their behaviors and of course, compared myself to some, but mostly just watched the transformation from hypomania to mania to severe depression to being stable to impulsively triggering instability.

Overall, an excellent film. I will be adding it to my personal library. It’s only in select theaters right now, but if possible, go see it.

 

Commitments, Intentions, and the Bipolar Guilt Dance

First, I need to thank everyone who is still following this barren blog. So many times I intended to recover from this 6 month hiatus. That desire manifested into way too many thoughts questioning what I could actually handle.

Those thoughts led to guilt for ignoring this site for so long. Then I became overwhelmed. So I avoided logging in altogether. Which made me more overwhelmed. Then I became angry with myself for the avoidance.

The 3 year anniversary of Nectar Madness came and went. I renewed my domain but decided I wasn’t ready to continue on with this commitment. And all of this is so silly because I really do enjoy being here! I’ve always felt connected to others in the blogging, as well as the mental health, communities.

I just feel like I have let down my regular readers. (Who might not be regulars anymore.) I feel bad for ignoring all of the notifications I received these past 6 months from readers with questions or looking for guidance on important matters.

What I’ve Been Consumed With

What have I been doing? I don’t know if it actually matters since I’m rejuvenating the flow of this blog for present day, but here’s a synopsis.

June-August: Manic! Manic! Manic! Wonderful, addicting, dangerous bipolar mania. Things evened out & I continued treatment. I’m also still employed at my job. My biggest accomplishment this summer was cracking down on my writing, specifically poetry & fiction. It’s kept me very busy.

September: My baby boy started the toddler Montessori program. I’ve been a busy mom.

November: My second airplane ride ever. (Side note: my first was in 2009 from Michigan to California and it set me off into the most manic, anxious, erratic episode imaginable.) I was nervous, especially since I’d have to keep composure for my toddler, whose 1st flight this was. Obsessive organization is all I’ll say. And actually I will put together a bipolar travel post.

December: Seasonal depression. Yay. It helps that I’m a seasonal worker and get to stay home with my son for four months before returning in April.

Despite whatever reasons I had for not doing what I love on here, I am back. Today is the day! Now here’s a little bit about the thinking processes of people with bipolar.

Bipolar Thinking: The Shoulds, The Obsessions, The Remorse

Those who live with bipolar disorder, depression, anxiety disorders, and other psychiatric disorders experience thought processes differently than folks who are not suffering from a mental illness. Of course everybody experiences guilt, obsessive thoughts or worry, and remorse. It’s part of the human condition. A person with a mental illness might develop a thought based on something somebody said to them. Whether positive or negative, the thought will play over and over and over and over again until it has infested its way into every other thought that person has.

Here’s an example:
Tammy mentions to Paul that Aunt Beverly said he never calls her. Paul automatically feels guilty for not keeping in touch with Aunt Beverly. He goes home & can’t get it out of his head. Especially the fact that Aunt Beverly said something to Tammy. Paul now thinks he should call Aunt Beverly. But then she would think he is only calling her because Tammy told him to, not because he genuinely wants to. His anxiety is rising. Paul has now let this go on for three days. Each day he feels more and more guilty for not picking up the phone. He actively avoids making time for a phone call and makes excuses of why it’s not a good time to call.

From a bipolar standpoint, a few different things could happen here:

Depression: The stress and guilt Paul is feeling could trigger him into a depression. If this is the case, he might sleep or isolate to avoid the developing symptoms. He may never call Aunt Beverly, or speak to Tammy either.

Mania/Hypomania: The anxiety and escalating obsessions could trigger mania or hypomania in Paul. He could be restless and experiencing insomnia from the symptoms that have developed. He could either continue to avoid Aunt Beverly, or present her with a grand gesture, such as buying her an extravagant gift.

Of course this isn’t a real situation, but bipolar thoughts are real. Thinking obsessively can really wear a person down. In that moment, there is no escape. Feelings of guilt tend to snowball once they start. Depending on where someone is in their illness, whether they are depressed or manic, or rapid-cycling, for instance, plays a major role in the receptiveness of any toxic thinking.

What You Can Do

It is tough, but there are ways to alleviate these thoughts. As always, I stress that keeping in contact with your doctor is imperative. Please take your medication! I know- I have been there. And every single time I am med non-compliant, I become a hot mess. Another great tool is practicing meditation. It forces you to clear your mind. Try relaxation music and deep breathing. Select a mantra to focus on, such as a key phrase or positive affirmation. Continuous mantra meditation will slow the obsessive thoughts down and begin to eliminate how often they pop into your mind.  Staying busy helps you forget the feelings of guilt or remorse. Spending time with people who are positive and make you feel good helps as well. Lastly, I will quote my mother, “Do the thing you dread the most and have a better day.” Basically, stop the excuses and call Aunt Beverly. Just do it.

 

 

99 Bipolar Disorder Facts

Great list of truths from bipolarlives.com:

Bipolar Basics

1. Bipolar disorder used to be known as manic depressive illness.

2. It is a MOOD DISORDER characterized by MOOD SWINGS between the “highs” of bipolar mania and the “lows” of depression.

3. It is an episodic illness. In between episodes of bipolar mania and/or depression, there will usually be periods of stable or “normal” moods and wellness.

4. The usual age of onset is late teens to early twenties.

5. Bipolar disorder is NOT CURABLE and must be controlled by mood stabilizing medication. This is one of the most unpalatable but important bipolar disorder facts.

6. Despite being a life long illness, bipolar disorder is very manageable. In fact, it is one of the “best” mental illnesses to have in that there are many effective bipolar treatments available.

7. Bipolar disorder is often misdiagnosed as depression in women or schizophrenia in men.

Reminder

Bipolar is frequently misdiagnosed so make sure you see an experienced psychiatrist.

8. Another common misdiagnosis is to pronounce someone bipolar when they really have borderline personality disorder.

9. Untreated bipolar disorder is dangerous and may lead to suicide during depression, or self destructive activities during bipolar mania such as wild spending, crazy business ventures, sexual promiscuity or infidelity and other high risk behavior.

10. Bipolar disorder must be diagnosed and treated by an experienced psychiatrist who specializes in mood disorders.

Bipolar resources you can trust

Bipolar disorder facts need to be distinguished from bipolar fictions.

Use these reputable and independent sources for accurate information about bipolar disorder:

11. Facts on Bipolar Disorder from National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH)

13. Bipolar Disorder from the Mayo Clinic

14. International Bipolar Foundation

15. Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance (DBSA)

Are you bipolar?

You may have bipolar order if you answer “YES” to ALL of the following questions.

If the following self-screen for bipolar is positive, you should see a psychiatrist who specializes in mood disorders to confirm ad discuss any possible diagnosis of bipolar disorder. One of the frustrating bipolar disorder facts is that it requires highly skilled diagnosis.

16. Have you experienced depression for an extended period (at least 2 weeks)?

17. Was this depression so serious that it made your usual activities such as work or study impossible, or only barely possible through great personal effort?

18. As well as the serious lows of depression, have you also experienced periods of “highs” – of being so “up” that it felt like more than normal happiness?

19. Have you experienced periods of needing only small amounts (3-5 hours at most) of sleep?

20. Have you experienced racing thoughts or rapid, pressured speech?

21. Have you ever engaged in reckless behavior such as shopping sprees, credit card binges or out of character promiscuous sex?

22. Have you ever had so much extra energy that you took on lots of extra projects, or needed lots of extra activity and stimulation or social contact?

23. Have these “ups” ever led to serious problems such as conflict at work or in your marriage or legal problems?

24. Do you have a close relative such as a parent, grandparent, brother, sister, uncle, or aunt who has bipolar disorder?

25. Has a psychiatrist or other mental health professional ever suggested to you that may have bipolar disorder?

THERE IS NO BLOOD TEST, X-RAY, BRAIN SCAN, MRI, GENETIC TEST, OR OTHER “MEDICAL” TEST THAT CAN IDENTIFY BIPOLAR DISORDER.

Bipolar symptoms

Symptoms of bipolar depression include:

26. Persistent empty or “blue” feeling.

27. Lack of interest or pleasure in usual activities.

28. Sleep changes – either insomnia or excessive sleep.

29. Lack of motivation and neglect of routine tasks such as personal grooming.

30. Indecision.

Symptoms of bipolar mania include:

31. Reduced need for sleep.

32. Grandiose plans and beliefs that are not realistic.

33. Racing thoughts.

34. Taking on multiple projects and marked increase in goal directed behavior.

35. Risk taking behavior and distorted judgment, for example crazy business schemes, reckless investments, sexual indiscretions, shopping sprees, gambling binges.

Causes of bipolar

36. Genetics. Bipolar disorder is NOT ALWAYS inherited and in even in identical twins, both do not always develop the disorder. Thus, although hereditary factors are a major risk factor in developing bipolar disorder, it is not a purely genetic illness.

37. Neurotransmitter imbalances and other brain chemistry disturbances.

38. Stress. Someone with a predisposition to bipolar may go on to develop the illness if triggered by stress.

39. Environmental factors such as seasonal changes or sleep deprivation sometimes precipitate the onset of bipolar episodes.

40. Pregnancy. Obviously pregnancy in and of itself does not cause bipolar disorder. However, like stress, giving birth can trigger the initial episode in a woman with a predisposition to the illness.

Types of bipolar disorder

41. Bipolar Type 1 is characterized by at least one manic or mixed episode. The mania in Bipolar 1 is serious and can even involve bipolar psychosis.

42. Bipolar Type 2 is characterized by at least one hypomanic episode, (hypomania meaning literally ‘below mania’), and one major depressive episode.

43. The third bipolar type is called cyclothymia. This is a serious mental and mood disorder that causes depressive and hypomanic episodes. Medically it is defined as recurrent cycles of sudden hypomania and dysthymic episodes.

44. If you do not fit into any one of these categories, you may be diagnosed as bipolar disorder NOS, not otherwise specified.

45. Some experts such as Dr Jim Phelps also consider the types of bipolar disorder to include Bipolar Type 3 – when an antidepressant causes the patient to switch into mania or hypomania.

Bipolar medications

46. Bipolar medications may be altered depending on the phase of the illness. A different combination of meds may be required for maintenance, as opposed to managing an episode of acute bipolar mania or acute depression.

47. Lithium is the best known med for treating bipolar because it is a MOOD STABILIZER and is effective in treating both mania and depression, as well as for preventing relapse.

48. Sometimes antidepressants are used to treat bipolar depression but this can be controversial because of the possibility of an antidepressant causing a switch into mania. This is one of the most misunderstood and under-appreciated bipolar disorder facts.

49. Some atypical (latest generation) anti-psychotics have been approved for treating bipolar disorder as research has shown them to have mood stabilizing properties on top of their utility for bipolar mania.

50. Another of the misunderstood bipolar disorder facts is that most people spend MUCH MORE time experiencing depression as opposed for mania, and the best treatment for bipolar depression seems to be a combination of Lithium and Lamotrigine (Lamictal).

Bipolar treatments

51. All of these bipolar disorder facts are important. BUT some bipolar disorder facts are more important than others. In terms of getting well and staying well, it is critical to understand that the most proven approach is to COMBINE MEDICATION AND TALK THERAPY. Not everyone wants to be psychoanalyzed, but there are other forms of talk therapy that are effective bipolar treatments:

52. Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) has a good track record as a bipolar disorder treatment. CBT helps us identify our self-defeating, unhealthy, negative beliefs and behaviors and teaches how to replace these with more constructive, realistic and helpful beliefs and actions. This can be very useful in recognizing the stressors that trigger our bipolar episodes and learning to control them.

53. Psycho-education is all about learning as much as possible about bipolar disorder. Understanding your illness promotes treatment compliance (such as taking bipolar medications) and helps in determining the best treatments for you as an individual and also in recognizing warning signs of mania and depression so that bipolar episodes can be minimized and controlled.

54. Narrative therapy which helps someone with bipolar disorder understand the stories they tell themselves and to externalize their bipolar disorder in order to better solve associated problems.

55. Solution Focused Therapy which differs from some talk therapy in that it is oriented towards the present and future and to practical solutions, rather than exploring the past or dwelling on problems.

56. Interpersonal and social rhythm therapy (IPSRT) is a treatment program that stresses maintaining a regular schedule of daily activities and stability in personal relationships. It is PROVEN to be very effective for people with bipolar disorder and is one of my own preferred approached. I would call it one of the best kept bipolar disorder facts secrets!

57. Electroconvulsive therapy (ECT) used to be one of the ugly bipolar disorder facts that nobody liked to talk about. Although still something of a bipolar treatment of last resort, ECT is now administered in much reduced strengths and so has far fewer side effects. It is worth considering when bipolar medications are ineffective or during pregnancy when medications may put an unborn baby at risk.

58. Natural Treatments for Bipolar Disorder

59. Bipolar Treatment Centers

Caring for a loved one with bipolar disorder

60. Take stock of your own mood patterns. One of the stranger bipolar disorder facts is the phenomenon known as assortative mating where studies have shown that people with bipolar disorder are more likely to couple with individuals who also have a mood disorder.

61. Carers need to be very well informed about all bipolar disorder facts. BOTH of you should work hard to learn as much as possible.

62. Put a “Wellness Plan” and “Treatment Contract” in place in case of emergencies.

63. Compliance is key. A relationship with someone who has bipolar disorder is much more “do-able” if they are taking their meds and participating in therapy.

64. Who cares for the carer? Make sure there is support there for the carer as well as the patient in case of a relapse into mania or depression.

65. Life and love with someone who has bipolar disorder is like any relationship, including challenges and rewards. Remember that this is a manageable illness. If treatment is followed then there will be positives such as a companion who is creative and captivating.

More bipolar disorder facts from Bipolar-Lives.com

66. Bipolar Disorder Statistics

67. Discovery of Bipolar Disorder

68. History of Bipolar Disorder

69. Bipolar Disorder and Creativity

Myths about bipolar disorder

70. A common myth is that bipolar disorder, once correctly diagnosed, is a distinct, precise illness. In fact there there are several types of bipolar disorder. In particular, Bipolar Type 1 as opposed to Bipolar Type 2. Bipolar disorder facts increasingly also require an understanding of soft bipolar and the bipolar spectrum.

71. Another myth is that mania is a fun high that is like an exaggerated form of being “the life and soul of the party”. Mania takes many different forms and can manifest as extreme irritability or even psychosis.

72. It is also a myth that bipolar people are crazy. They have a mood disorder and in between the highs of mania and lows of depression may have long and/or frequent periods of stable moods where they function well. The true bipolar disorder facts are that many people go months or even years without an episode.

73. Another common misunderstanding relates to workplace functioning. Although some people are disabled by their bipolar disorder, more than 75% are successful at work.

74. Medication myths go both ways. Some folks mistakenly believe that bipolar is untreatable, while others believe that bipolar medications are a “cure”. On the positive side, there are a variety of bipolar medications available and finding effective treatment just may take some people a little longer. A less palatable of bipolar disorder facts is bipolar medications control but do not cure the illness. It is necessary to always take meds, even when stable and everything is going well.

75. The myth that bothers me most is that bipolar disorder is not a real illness. Although bipolar disorder is episodic and very treatable, it is a serious illness and if untreated can lead to suicide and other terrible consequences.

76. Related to the myth above is the notion that bipolar is just a fashionable excuse for bad behavior and means whatever the “sufferer” wants it to mean. Bipolar disorder has a clear clinical definition and has been a documented chronic illness for over 2,000 years.

77. A myth I was WISH was true is that people with bipolar disorder are all creative geniuses. Although there is a VERY STRONG link between bipolar disorder and creativity, it is possible to have bipolar disorder and not be especially creative or extra intelligent.

78. This one is not exactly a myth. It is more like one of the most surprising bipolar disorder facts – having bipolar disorder is not all consuming. Sometimes I snap at my stepson because I am just another another mom having a bad day. It does not mean I am manic. Sometimes I cry during a movie. this does not mean I am depressed. If I drive a little recklessly sometimes it may be I am simply running late. If I ace a job interview, it may be because I was well prepared, not because of my “hypomanic edge”.

79. One of the most misunderstood bipolar disorder facts is that bipolar disorder is not linked to criminal or violent behavior. The truth is that someone with bipolar disorder is more likely to be a victim of violence or crime rather than a perp.

Bipolar disorder and physical health

Some of the most important, least understood bipolar disorder facts relate to physical health:

80. People with bipolar disorder are twice as likely to die early from a medical illness.

81. The main cause of premature death for people who have bipolar disorder are “lifestyle” or preventable/controllable factors such as heart disease, stroke, and diabetes.

82. This increased risk of early death applies equally to both men and women with bipolar disorder.

83. People with bipolar disorder are over twice as likely to smoke (51% versus 23%).

84. Bipolar disorder is also strongly correlated with overweight and obesity. One study showed bipolar disorder to be the mental health problem most strongly linked to weight gain. Some research has indicated rates as high as 68% of overweight and obesity in bipolar populations.

85. These weight problems are also correlated with poorer overall mental health outcomes. For example, obese people with bipolar disorder have more episodes of both mania and depression, more serious episodes and more frequent episodes.

86. Bipolar frequently co-occurs with substance abuse.

87. Bipolar frequently co-occurs with alcoholism.

88. The new atypical anti-psychotics that have become popular bipolar medications have serious side impacts that impact physical health and are especially tied to weight gain and diabetes.

89. On March 12, 2002, U.S. District Judge Henry H. Kennedy Jr. ruled that bipolar disorder is actual a physical illness because it can be inherited, can sometimes be identified by brain scans, and is in fact a is a neuro-biological disorder characterized by chemical imbalances in the brain.

Living with bipolar – top 10 tips

90. Stay on your bipolar medications and do not make any changes without discussing your meds with your psychiatrist.

91. Do not use recreational or street drugs.

92. Minimize alcohol or abstain completely.

93. Maintain a regular sleep schedule.

94. Maintain a regular exercise schedule.

95. Control weight and mood swings by eating plenty of lean protein and vegetables, taking folic acid and fish oil, and avoiding sugar, “bad” fats, and simple carbs.

96. Join a bipolar disorder support group, for example through your local DBSA.

97. Make charting your moods on a Bipolar Mood Chart a daily practice.

98. Create a Wellness Plan and a Treatment Contract.

99. Read and learn everything you can about bipolar disorder!

Source: bipolarlives.com

Lingerie and Lithium: Flirting with Bipolar Hypersexuality

Your energy levels are high. Priorities and principles low. Attention causes your body to react. You have a sudden, hard hunger for human contact. Just about everyone in the place looks delicious. You feel as sexy as you look. And you’re ready to release your scent to the world.

You make eye contact with a woman across the bar, smile flirtatiously, then nonchalantly meet one another in a bathroom stall where you go at it like ravishing lady beasts. It’s hot. It’s risky. It satisfies you. For the moment. Minutes later, your attractive friend sends you a simple text, “Hey Beautiful”, in which you respond how you couldn’t get his sexy self out of your head all day. He’s intrigued. You say you may have a little something for him when you see him tomorrow. You have a physiological reaction to the anticipation. Later that night, since you barely ever sleep, you are adorned in nothing but one of the new lacy numbers you treated yourself to the day before. You logon to your iPad and an old crush sends a late night message. You tell her how adorable she looks in her profile picture and how you really miss that face. Then you send her a seductive selfie in your lingerie. You don’t notice that she becomes awkward and says she has to go. You’re so turned on by the song on your manic playlist and still high from the attention, not to mention how incredible your cleavage looked that night. You take care of yourself and practice self love for an hour and a half. You own battery operated sex gadgets, but just need to feel the connection with your own fingertips, where you appreciate your silky lace T-string. You hit the video record button on the iPad, just to have on hand in case you ‘need’ it. At the very least, you’ll watch it yourself. You are so electrically charged that your world of sex consumes you.

This might seem extreme to many. This might seem slutty to most.

What if I said this was day three in a seven day manic spree? What if I said there were at least four other prospects in this tangled web of lust?

What if I said excessive drinking, very little need for sleep, extravagant shopping sprees, craving stimulation, grandiose thoughts, and copious amounts of energy are also present at this time?

What Exactly is Hypersexuality in Bipolar Disorder?

Hypersexuality is a clinical diagnosis used by mental healthcare researchers and providers to describe extremely frequent or suddenly increased sexual urges or sexual activity. People who suffer from bipolar disorder may often display tremendous swings in sex drive depending on their mood. As defined in the DSM-IV-TR, hypersexuality can be a symptom of hypomania or mania in bipolar disorder or schizoaffective disorder.

In other words, a person becomes overly horny. I know I get consumed by the thought of anything I remotely find to be sexual, that I force myself to take deep breaths and try to take a walk and cool down. I already have a pretty high libido normally, and I don’t shy away from risks. Oh and I should mention that I like a considerable amount of attention. These ingredients mixed with that hypersexual stage of mania can be a recipe for disaster.

Symptoms of Manic Hypersexuality

1. Thinking obsessively about sex all day long.
2. Feeling horny for no particular reason.
3. Uncharacteristically having sex with both men and women.
4. Not feeling in control over when and with whom to have sex with.
5. Going out to the bar or social gathering every day to find hook-ups.
6. Feeling overwhelmed by the urge of needing sex.
7. Masturbating several times a day without the control to stop.
8. Participating in group sex situations.
9. Wearing uncharacteristically provocative clothing every day to any kind of location.
10. Compulsively viewing a significant amount of porn movies, pornographic or sexy photos.
11. When having sex, safe sex is hardly an option.
12. Flirting with or trying to pick up your platonic friends.
13. Excessive fantasizing about celebrities or crushes.
14. Obsessing about exes or past flings and desiring a “last” hook-up.
15. Every song you hear is interpreted as sexual, or else you only play sexy music.

Consequences of Manic Hypersexuality

1. Cheating on your partner & possibly losing them.
2. Susceptible to new and risky sex games.
3. Vulnerable to people offering money or goods for sex.
4. More susceptible to being offered jobs in the sex industry.
5. Very sensitive to combining drugs and alcohol with sex.
6. Feeling guilty for joining in on sex parties.
7. Losing friends.
8. Not being aware of any of the consequences your actions might have.
9. Confused on the concept of right and wrong.
10. Not being aware of possible sexual abuse.
11. Losing complete track of time and place.
12. Contracting sexually transmitted diseases.
13. Risking to die of murder for being in dangerous environments.
14. Needing years of therapy to cope with the guilt and shame later on.
15. Finding it difficult to trust yourself or others again.

My Bipolar Boom Boom

Hypersexuality is something I have been plagued with. Or is it blessed with? I’m not going to lie, sometimes it’s hard to know. I love sex. I love lust. Anticipation. Flirting. The rapid heartbeat. Increased swelling and wetness in your skivvies. Yeah, I’m into all of it. I’m turned on just typing this. And I’m not even manic right now.

I discovered the idea of sexuality when I was very young. My parents watched the 80’s sitcom, “Three’s Company”, where the characters spoke nothing but cheesy lines and sexual innuendos. An articulate child, I picked up on the sexual energy of the show. Lacking the maturity to understand what I was indeed understanding, it sat in the back of my mind until I began interpreting radio songs, and insisting my mother watch daytime soap operas, so I could secretly observe the women with their hefty bosoms crammed into cheap looking lingerie.

In middle school, I got boobs before my friends. Feeling self conscious at first, I quickly discovered boobs get you places. And they get you attention. By seventh grade, I was wearing low cut tops and skin tight sweaters. In my mind I oozed sex appeal, and I liked it. I had many crushes, including the realization of my interest in females.

By my senior year of high school, I was exhibiting many bipolar symptoms, including full blown mania. Getting in trouble in school, running away from home, grandiose ideas, obsessions, and delusions were all forming. I was also exploring my interest in girls even more. I was infamous for going bra-less to school, or wearing little skirts with fishnet stockings. I felt sexy when I was on my periodic highs. (I also experienced a deal of depression in high school too.) I was experimenting with sexual fantasies, such as tying my girlfriend to my headboard, trying out sex toys, or sneaking lesbian erotica into choir class. I also masturbated ALL THE TIME.

By my 20’s, I was known for being wild. At various points I initiated group sex, attended fetish parties, and did erotic photography. I went into manic episodes often and my most severe, longest episode was when I was 22. I impulsively left my boyfriend of three years, quit my job, and cut my hair. I started hanging out with an ex girlfriend, with whom I immediately rekindled our old flame. Our usual chill spot was a local dive bar that eventually became my sanctuary. Shortly after, I reunited with another friend there, with whom I left girl 1 inside the bar so I could fuck this girl out in the car in the bar’s parking lot. I continued seeing girl 1 and girl 2 until girl 1 decided to get a girlfriend. She brought new girl up to the dive, and with very little effort, new girl went home with my number, met up the next day where we fucked for hours in the parking lot of a different bar, all the way until a police officer had to intervene. With little regard for girl 1, I now had myself girl 3, aka girl 1’s girlfriend. Because I was very manic, and not just horny, I suffered from psychosis as well. I truly had convictions that somebody put pheromone spray in the vents of the bar and were drugging all of us to the point of a mass turn on. Then again, I had other theories about cheese being the meaning of life, so my credibility is questionable there. Girl 3 and I hooked up in places other than cars. We got it on in the courtyard of the bar, at other people’s houses, bathroom stalls at clubs, Denny’s parking lot, and in most rooms of our homes. Girl 4 didn’t come until the end of that manic phase. An old high school crush I only got to make out with once at a party, I was thirsty for the opportunity to get in her pants. As if it wasn’t enough, when girls 1, 2, 3, 4 didn’t call me fast enough, I still occasionally got my rocks off with the ex boy. At this point I was exclusively with women, but I made the exception for function and familiarity.

Why am I telling you all of this? Because with five different sex partners- often two in the same day- I was still starving for sex. In what little spare time I had, I would masturbate at least once a day. Wait- I always say I don’t masturbate, I have sex with myself. I dressed sexy, but not slutty. Makeup was always done. And I mastered the art of playing it cool. I only listened to music one could fuck to.

I was the poster child for manic hypersexuality.

I was also living life in the fast lane. Drinking, cocaine, getting kicked out of my college of choice, and fighting with my family were all consequences. I would wake up in the morning, being spooned by one of the girls, but have no recollection of which one I went home with. In my hungover haze, I would look around the room and try to put the pieces together. I broke more than a few hearts and lost some friends. I could have contracted an STD. And yet, I chose to be unmedicated.

Now, in my 30’s, life has been a bit different because I’m married. (And very medicated!) While I still get the heavy urges, I constantly find desperate ways to pacify my sexual appetite. I won’t lie, I have real crushes and often find it difficult to resist temptation. I flirt with friends who I know are deemed “safe”. I masturbate religiously. I enjoy lesbian porn, sexy music, and wearing revealing clothes. I tend to take more selfies during this phase. And I write fiction where my characters can do as they please, like little pawns in my steamy world. To an extent, my wife knows how I am. She came into my life overlapping the tail end of girls 1,2,3, and 4. While I’ve come close to infidelity, I tend to teeter on the edge, then by some saving grace, I pull myself back onto the side where I belong. Then within a couple of weeks, the episode dissipates. During these times I feel reckless. And I behave selfishly. My wife and I have had many fights and she knows when I’m crossing boundaries. The problem is, I don’t always know my boundaries.

Taming the Wild Animal Inside

If you are experiencing many of these symptoms and consequences of hypersexuality, then there is a likeliness that you may have bipolar disorder. I recommend seeing a psychiatrist or even a therapist to get started. You most likely need medication to treat the chemical imbalance.

Please note: this is different from a sex addiction. Manic hypersexuality comes as a symptom of mania or hypomania in bipolar disorder. If you experience these symptoms for more than short periods at a time, or if you don’t resolve to a healthy state of mind once treated, please consider getting help for addiction, or a sexual function issue. Now, it is possible for someone with bipolar to become addicted to sex, just as any other addiction. But please research the differences. I won’t spew the DSM at you.

If you are aware of your triggers and you are going trough a tough manic stage, try taking a cold shower, going for a run alone, attending a family function, or anything that would be considered the least stimulating. Attending bipolar support groups are great too.

Another option for those of you who are married or involved, be open with your partner about your hypersexual waves, and make the most of them. Together, I mean. Play with fantasies and take advantage of frequency. In a trusting, loving environment this could be a positive experience. Any non-communication could lead to resentment later on, or the feeling that one was taken advantage of during a time of illness.

Balance > Mania (Even if it doesn’t always seem that way)

Too much of a good thing can be bad for your health in more ways than one. I shared my personal experiences on this topic to hopefully help educate about real symptoms affecting the lives of many. Bipolar mania has many symptoms and hypersexuality is just one. And pretty much after any manic episode, despite the symptoms, comes a crash. Energy is drained and sleepiness or depression may creep in. The sexy beast may be replaced with a lack of libido. Finding a way to balance episodes is imperative.

Please share feedback. I’d love to pick your brain!

Sources:
Sex, Drugs and Rock & Roll Mania. Bipolar Women and Hypersexuality
Personal experience & observation, along with undergrad studies
DSM-IV-TR & DSM V (Bipolar manic episode symptoms, hypersexuality)

Alter Ego: A Poem About Piper, a.k.a. Manic Delusions

Alter Ego

Hey there siren, hey there again.
Without warning, how long has it been?

Hey there wild one, hey there storm.
Untamed whispers, in seamless form.

Hey there you, hey there Miss Thing.
Complete invasion, the chaos you bring.

She wears me out,
She breaks me down.
When Piper calls,
I come around.
She lures me in,
Without a sound.
I lust for her,
And we are bound.

Hey there lil nympho, hey there alright.
Pheromone syrup, smothered all night.

Hey there electricity, hey there alive.
Inexpressible hype, off the high dive.

Hey there obsession, hey there crave.
Euphoria spree, you won’t ever behave.

She wears me out,
She breaks me down.
When Piper calls,
I come around.
She lures me in,
Without a sound.
I lust for her,
And we are bound.

Hey there liberty, hey there Queen Bee.
Envied butterfly, perpetual and free.

Hey there persuasion, hey there yearn.
Thick addiction, never to learn.

Hey there enigma, hey there silhouette.
Delicious delusion, you’ll soon regret.

She wears me out,
She breaks me down.
When Piper calls,
I come around.
She lures me in,
Without a sound.
I lust for her,
And we are bound.

Saying Goodbye to One of Our Own: A Bipolar Suicide

I am hurting from a very recent death of a friend. A fellow bipolar sufferer. He committed suicide over the weekend. The details do not matter. What matters is that he was a wonderful human being who was plagued with something he could not control.

Some time ago my friend came to me, asking about bipolar disorder. He opened up to me that he was recently diagnosed, and part of him had always known there was something wrong. I gave some insight and told him about my own experiences. He also told me about his issue with rage, something many of us have to endure. He told me about how amazing his wife was with everything, and how she was his rock. He also had two young children. I suggested Julie Fast’s book Loving Someone With Bipolar Disorder, which he was looking forward to purchasing for his wife. I am unsure if he ever went on medication. I know he expressed interest in the option.

Out of respect for my friend, I will only say that apparently there was a domestic issue between he and his wife. I can only imagine that he was fueled up and didn’t know how to deescalate. I did a year of anger management and I absolutely cherish the coping skills that became engrained in me, that taught me to bring it down ten notches and be able to produce clear thoughts. From my understanding, he felt so guilty about this incident, that he resolved to using a firearm in order to take his own life.

Friends were, and still are, shocked. Everyone is overcome with sadness. We all feel so much for his wife and children. My friend was a smart, funny, all around good guy. He was just in a state of mind where many of us have been before. Who’s to say if he was actually suicidal prior to the incident. Only he would know for sure. Just like only his wife would know for sure what really happened. All I do know is that many of us miss him and will be grieving this tremendous loss.

On another note, I know I’ve mentioned my triggers several times. One of my biggest triggers is when someone my age (25-35) loses their life at their own free will. I struggle with suicidal ideation and suicidal plans, and even a few suicide attempts throughout the years. Being around suicide or overdoses that result in death, tends to plant these thoughts back into my head. At this point I am uncertain if I will be attending his funeral service this upcoming weekend. I feel guilty about this. However I am currently in what I call remission from my suicidal mindset. I am at a pretty stable point right now and I’m afraid to compromise my mental health, especially for the sake of my own family.

Thank you all for listening.

Photo: ‘Going Up In Smoke’ by Ashley Mackenzie

The Truth About Recovery

There is a misconception about mental illness and recovery. It’s not the same as recovering from the flu, or a broken bone. Recovery for a mental disorder is an ongoing process. It’s about managing the symptoms and finding the right treatment. I know for me, as I’ve gotten older, my illness has gotten more severe, thus requiring varying degrees of treatment in order to aid in my recovery process.

May is Mental Health Awareness Month

Of course we should be mindful all the time, but May brings us a chance to educate others on mental illness. Let’s help each other be advocates and give everyone who is living with a mental illness the respect they deserve.

Knock, Knock. Who’s There? Oh It’s You, Seroquel.

I said I’d keep everyone posted on my recent decision to come off of Seroquel. (As you recall, I was dealing with weight gain side effects.)

Well I’ve been completely off for 2 weeks (after weaning down for 2 weeks) and it’s been a struggle. My moods are all over the place, I’m certainly not sleeping, and it’s put a strain on my family. My wife has endured additional stress and we have been fighting more. I feel badly about it, and of course I also wish she could be more supportive of my decision. But when it comes down to it, our long-time agreement has been in order for this marriage to work, I must stay on meds. 

When it comes down to it, I am excited about losing 5lbs. The scale hasn’t budged in so long, and this gave me hope. But I’ve weighed out my situation (no pun intended..) and have decided to go back on the Seroquel. I gave it a try, but I can’t help that my illness requires certain medications. I admit I feel defeated. But I also know this is just me being responsible. 

Thanks for listening to my saga. I know many of you have experienced Seroquel side effects and I thank you for sharing your experiences with me. Best of wellness to all of you. 

  

World Bipolar Day 2015

Today lets not pass judgment. Let’s not compare scars. Let’s educate ourselves and others. Let’s promote advocacy and put an end to stigma. We are not defined by our illness. Let’s stand united, with care, understanding, and love. 

  

When my Bipolar Starts Speaking in Rhymes

Sometimes I feel a little needy,
But I’d never let it show.
To quench my thirst makes me seem greedy,
I guess you’re not the last to know.

I’m trying not to get stoned,
And I really want a drink.
Well, at least just for tonight,
I’m trying not to think.

My free spirit has been building high,
Tattooed wings inside a cage.
I smuggle sunshine in my mind,
And shove the blame on manic rage.

I’ll try not to get too stoned,
And I want a second drink.
Well, at least just for tonight,
I’m trying not to think.

Desperate urges send electric shocks,
Pharmaceutical relief.
I contain my soul inside a box,
Swallow them with no release.

I’m already way beyond stoned,
And I regret that other drink.
Well, at least just for tonight,
It’s impossible to think.

Buh Bye, Seroquel

So, I’ve made a decision to come off of Seroquel. The weight I’ve gained with it has overstayed it’s (non-existent) welcome.

I know what you must be thinking. And before you lecture me on quitting meds, please know I am making this move based on careful consideration. I have been on Seroquel for about two years now, along with Lithium and Abilify. My current dose is 200mg. When I first started taking it, I just noticed my extreme sleepiness. This was good, since I am a natural insomniac. I started on only 100mg, and after some time, went up to the current dose. I know people on higher doses, and folks on lower doses. Every individual is different. Dosages are based on brain chemistry, body weight, interactions with other meds, etc.

The Cost of Side Effects

I certainly don’t want to scare anyone out of taking Seroquel because it is a really effective drug, and it has absolutely saved my life in many ways. It’s just that I am at a point where the side effects are not worth my time anymore. Seroquel is known for weight gain as a side effect (several psych meds have this quality), and I have been researching many sources and forums, as well as discussions with my psychiatrist, and it is an unfortunate fact. I put on 20 pounds with this medication. Many other folks have put on 40-50 pounds. On my 5’1″ frame, 20 pounds is kind of a lot.

It’s a Personal Thing

I definitely battled with this decision. I already have insomnia, and Seroquel has helped rock me to sleep each night since taking it. I also haven’t had any full blown manic episodes since being treated with it. So, yes, coming off of it does frighten me a little. But, conversely, I am becoming quite dismayed at stepping onto the scale and not seeing it budge. I have completely changed my eating habits, which includes pretty much all health food, and small portions. I even signed up for a gym membership. Yet my jeans still don’t fit. I feel discouraged and it’s bringing me down.

Keeping Up With Progress

So far I have cut my dose in half and I am having a hard time falling asleep at night. I am not experiencing any mania or psychotic episodes, luckily. My wife is fully aware of my plan, and is on board. This helps with monitoring my moods, especially with the changing season.

I have not yet spoken to Dr. B. about this. I plan to at our next appointment, which isn’t until May. Honestly, I want to see how well I do without his input right now. Also, I’m a little shy of trust for him and his office after the urinalysis incident. I just thought I’d share my current experience with you guys. We all know what a pain in the ass it is to find meds that work out for us in all areas.

Sources:
Seroquel XR Side Effects Study
(Just Google Seroquel and weight gain/side effects. There is a world of information on the topic.)

Music Therapy – Tegan and Sara, “Not With You”

This song brings on strong emotions for me for some reason. Maybe you’ll get something out of it too.

“Not With You” – Tegan and Sara

I can’t believe I’ve let you in
And now here I am
Telling you that I’m suffocating in here
Just like the drugs you are keeping me
I felt shark teeth underneath my socks
Before I lost much blood

Around this world will I be enough?

From the liquor stores
To the train stop floors
Your filthy room your drama blues
I am nothing if I’m not with you
I’m always right always wrong
Dressing bad is like loving you
There is nothing I haven’t worn
Nothing I haven’t said before

Your fluid is thick against my sheets
When you look at me
Oh so angry I know it’s true
My strength has come from loving you
Behavior I just can’t grow into
So you fake and you flaw
For your cops and your cause
It makes no difference to me
It’s love that you stole, that you stole

From the liquor stores
To the train stop floors
Your filthy room your drama blues
I am nothing if I’m not with you
I’m always right always wrong
Dressing bad is like loving you
There is nothing I haven’t worn
Nothing I haven’t said before so here I am

Around this world will I be enough?

This is nothing I haven’t said before
You are nothing I haven’t felt before